Contact author: josh.goldblatt@gmail.com
Subscribe below.

Follow by Email

Sunday, March 1, 2020

Man Who Runs Around Cutting People's Hair

And now, the stunning conclusion...

It's a dark evening, and a man leaves the barber shop.  He pulls out a comb from his back pocket and takes a luxurious stroke across his hair.  "What a cut!" he says, quite pleased with himself.  He walks down the alley towards his car, moving his hand from pocket to pocket, trying to find his keys.  "Where are my keys!?"  And then a figure jumps from the shadows with clippers buzzing, bzzzzz!   "Oh god no!"  Bzzzzzz "nnooooooo" bzzzzzzz.

Then, the victim suddenly starts laughing.  The buzzer man from the shadows slowly moves back.  "Ahahahaha!!!!!"  The victim grabs his mangled hair and pulls it off  -- it's a wig! -- revealing a completely bald head.  All of a sudden, lights turn on, dogs start barking.  The man with the clippers tries to run, but he's trapped!  The SWAT team moves in and wrestles him to the ground.  The man who moments prior seemed to be the victim looks at the man on the ground who is now in cuffs.  "Take him downtown, boys!" the bald man says.

...

"Billy Bodesta is his name.  The only record we have is one that he filed with the precinct a few years ago.  He told the desk sergeant that his barber gave him a horrible haircut that was uneven, and he wanted to press charges.  We said there was no law on this, and there was nothing we could do."

The bald detective listens.

"It looks like he took matters into his own hands.  His first victim was that very barber.  But he didn't stop there.  No.  He kept running around doing unto others as was done to him.  He just couldn't get over his bad haircut."

"It's just hair!  It grows back!" says one of the officers.

"Shutup, Baldwin!" says the bald detective.  "I'm going in to talk to him."

Bodesta is in the interrogation room, looking at himself in the mirror, turning from side to side inspecting his hair  The bald detective enters the room.  He sits down and looks at Bodesta, studying him.

"It never grew back properly, did it?" says the bald detective.

Bodesta looks at the bald detective.  He's never talked about his hair disaster with anyone.

"No. The left side, along the neckline and up around the ear, never was the same.  It was stringy, it never matched the fullness and evenness of the right side.  I don't know what that barber did, but I was ruined!  People just take their hair for granted!  They go about their days, they go to work, they do whatever it is they do, and they don't have to worry about their hair!  Or if they have a bad haircut, it grows back!  But that's not how it was for me!"

"Why didn't you stop after you had your revenge on your barber?"

"Revenge?  His hair grew back just fine!  It wasn't about revenge.  I wanted to know if anyone was like me -- if their hair wouldn't grow back normally.  I wanted to know that I wasn't alone in the universe!"

"And?"

"I'm alone!"

Bodesta breaks into tears.

The bald detective stares at him.

"You're not alone."

Bodesta looks up.

"I was in college.  I had my whole life ahead of me.  My hair was a little shaggy, and instead of waiting until I went home for break, I went to...Supercuts!"

Bodesta winces.

"A part of me died that day.  I thought my hair would grow back properly, but it never did!  One side always uneven!  I dropped out of college and moved home.  Alcoholics have AA.  People with cancer have support groups.  But what's there for people like you and me? Nothing!  Finally, 8 years later, I decided to set off across the world.  I walked across Europe!  I ended up in Albania, and one day I noticed someone looking at me.  He approached me and in broken English said I should follow him.  Most people would have thought I was crazy, but I had nothing to lose, so I followed him.  Eventually we ended up at a secluded house in the forest.  He had been wearing a skull cap, and he removed it, revealing a bald head.  That night I learned I wasn't alone.  I learned I could fight back and take control."

"You don't look like you shave your hair, it looks completely bald, the follicles are gone."

"Yes, there is an ancient substance we use.  It burns like you can't believe, the burning never goes away, and you must apply it every day, but each day we affirm our commitment."

"I want to know the secrets.  I want peace, even if the pain is terrible, I want peace."

"Then you shall have it."

The End