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Tuesday, April 7, 2015

The Adventures of Butter Bastard (Take Two)

Butter Bastard is my name.  Ever since I was a lad all I've cared about is eating delicious foods, eating them until I feel sick.  Once I become full, I proceed to walk around and do jumping jacks until there's once more room in my stomach, and then I eat again until I feel sick.  I also enjoy reading about the American Civil War.

It was Sunday, I was reading about the Civil War, and I was eating a bagel sandwich from Black Seed bagel on Elizabeth Street.  What kind of bagel sandwich? Egg, cheese of cheddar, and bacon.  Then I ate another.  Then I decided to order one more.  "I need another one" I screamed without walking up to the order counter.  The people behind the counter looked at me. "Yes, I said, another one!"  I continued reading.  "Wow this book about the Civil War is so interested!" I yelled.  Then I was served my third bagel sandwich, and by this time I was feeling somewhat full but I kept eating.  "Oh god I don't feel well!" I said and many people were looking at me.  I ate until I couldn't eat any more and ran out of the place and kept running.  I found a park and started doing jumping jacks.  When I got really tired I would take a break and continue reading my Civil War book.  Then I would do more jumping jacks. Finally I started to feel better and ran to my next eating adventure.  Some friends and I were going to Streetbird, the newest venture by Marcus Samuelson.  Upon arrival I started stuffing myself with the chicken, which was ok but nothing special.  The fries, covered in a cheese sauce, were good.  We had a Chinese-style crispy chicken which was pretty good, but nothing special.  I was drunk on food and the cocktails my friends and I had ordered.  "Oh god let the food keep coming!"  The portions were small and I needed more and more.  At one point I screamed out "all of these people fought in the Civil War and died and we're here eating chicken!"  Everyone in the restaurant looked at me, including some small children.  "You hear me!  They're dead and we're eating chicken in a stupid Harlem restaurant!"  Then I felt so full I ran out of the place and started doing jumping jacks on the street.  "We're all going to die, just like the Civil War people!" I yelled as I did the jumping jacks, legs and arms out, legs and arms in, legs and arms out, legs and arms in.