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Sunday, October 12, 2014

Mission Olive Garden

As mentioned, I love Olive Garden.  Is there really anything better in this world?  Please bear with me as I make a point.

I am a learned man, and I aware of a book called "The End of History."  This book states that liberal democracy is the pinnacle of human organization and there is no other development in how we organize ourselves socially and politically which is possible.  "The End of History" does not state the world is coming to an end, that events won't continue to unfold.  Rather, it states that, whatever does unfold, it will be within a framework of liberal democracy, unless a society chooses to "regress" to prior forms of organization, or if a society stays stuck in earlier forms and never "moves up" to liberal democracy.  There is nowhere to go after liberal democracy.  At that point you've reached the summit of Everest.

It is true we have reached the end of history, but it has nothing to do with liberal democracy.  Rather, the end of history is Olive Garden.  When you're there, you're family, and they send their chefs to Italy for 9 years of intensive training before they can even touch the salad dressing seasoning packets or the vats of processed garlic butter which are sent to Olive Garden locations daily for the batches of bread sticks.  The place is so comforting and inviting.  The lighting is warm, and the booths are comfortable. Did I mention the bread sticks?

Let's say you have your job in Missouri as associate logistics manager for XYZ Pencil Company, which is the leader in the Midwest of pencil distribution.  You earn your $50,000 a year and have your spouse and your kids, and maybe even a dog.  You have your house and your yard and you watch some excellent television programs (you're currently addicted to the current season of American Idol).  It's Saturday night, you took the kids to their soccer games earlier in the day, and so it's time to really treat yourself to some Olive Garden.  "Four for Smithfield" you say to the hostess, and you and your family take a seat (if you're lucky and there is space to sit) while you wait for your name to be called.  You're all just giddy with anticipation.  "Smithfield party of 4" they call, and you and your family jump up and cheer. You know what comes next.  The sodas.  The salad and bread sticks.  The chicken parmesan and fettuccine alfredo.  Dessert? Why not.  "A round of tiramisu for my spouse and I, and ice cream sundaes for the kids," you say.

This is what life is about and it can't get better.  Of course, I myself live in New York, and I'm so devoted to Olive Garden I could never hold a real job or have a family of my own.  Instead, as mentioned, and you better have been listening in my prior dispatches, I wake up, train, and then walk the streets finding money in whatever way I can to fund my daily NEED for Olive Garden for lunch AND dinner.  I am open to almost any kind of work, and I am also not above stealing, although my code states the following: I can only steal from rich hedge fund managers and corporate lawyers, and, after humiliating them and showing them how pointless they are, I must return an ample amount of the proceeds to those who need and deserve it.  I keep the the bare minimum for myself and my Olive Garden requirements.

My mission is to eat Olive Garden, but I also want to transform society.  I want everyone to live in relative equality, and I want everyone to be able to wake up, train, and then just eat Olive Garden all day.  More on my mission to come in these dispatches. I will charm you with my tales of adventure and my sacred quest to bring a new birth of unlimited salad and bread sticks to all.