It was a chilly spring Friday, and I had taken the day off from work for a treat quest. I awoke at the crack of dawn and quickly put on my favorite corduroy overalls and slid on my yellow rubber boots, for it was a rainy day. As I said in the first sentence (the one at the very beginning) it was chilly, and therefore I also put on my GI Joe hooded sweatshirt. I took a look in the mirror and liked what I saw, so the only thing left to do was to feed my beloved pit bull, William Butler Shanks. A word on William:
Normally William Butler Shanks would join me on my adventures, but on this day I knew my journey would be a dangerous one, and I didn't feel like I could ask him to accompany me. I sadly put food in William's bowl, and even left a chop of beef. I lovingly caressed my friend, and there was a profound moment between us. I could sense he knew I was going on an adventure, and I could sense his desire to join, but he also must have sensed my wish to go alone. I couldn't muster the strength to utter the word "goodbye," so I quickly left, not knowing when, or if, I would ever return.
My first destination was Bouchon Bakery in the Time Warner Center where I hoped to procure a Mallomar treat (please see past entries for more). Horrifically, they were out of Mallomars, so I had a vanilla éclair instead. It was a fine treat but nowhere near the caliber of a Mallomar.
With sadness in my heart, I then headed south and walked to Bubby's on Gansevoort Street, across from the High Line. Bubby's just this week opened a new soda fountain within the confines of their restaurant, and how I longed for an old-fashioned ice cream sundae. I stood across the street scoping out the situation, watching all the men in their expertly tailored flannel shirts, and all the women in their fashionable scarves. It took a while to work up the nerve, but I finally crossed the street and entered. "Where is the soda fountain!" I demanded. The entire restaurant looked over in admiration, and a hostess meekly escorted me to the sundae parlour. I ordered a "Hot Mutha Fudge," a traditional ice cream sundae with hot fudge and whipped cream, and I also insisted on crushed graham crackers as an extra topping. The sundae was ok but sadly nothing special.
I left Bubby's and ventured east to Chinatown, where I finally reached a food cart on Elizabeth and Hester streets. Within the silver contraption two Chinese women bickered at each other in their foreign tongue. "Ladies, ladies!" I said, trying to calm them down. I then demanded some rice rolls. "Rice balls?" they repeated. "No! Rice ROLLS" I said. Finally, a helpful man approached and translated for me, and soon I had a large portion of rice rolls doused in soy sauce and sesame oil for $2. I sat in a park and ate my balls - I mean rolls.
Dear reader, at this point you are most likely amazed at my boldness, and you probably can appreciate why I didn't bring William Butler Shanks on so dangerous a quest. Well, brace yourself, for my adventure was not yet complete. Last I headed to Breads Bakery in Union Square for a loaf. Breads Bakery has some of the finest loafs in New York, and I decided on an oily rosemary Tuscan loaf. I walked to the subway, hopeful that I would return to see my trusted pit bull once again.
Just then two figures jumped out of the shadows and attacked me. I started beating the offenders with my oily loaf. The two of them were too much for me and my loaf, however, and I was soon overtaken. They were about to cut me down for good when a large creature jumped forth from the shadows. It was William Butler Shanks! He sank his teeth into their rumps, and they let out screams of agony. Soon, their rumps red and sore, they ran away howling.
I was overtaken with emotion, and William Butler Shanks started licking me profusely all over my various regions. I explained, as best I could, why I decided not to bring him, and I admitted I had been a fool and never should have kept a trusted companion in the dark. As a special treat we decided to take a horse carriage back home, and we munched on my loaf and enjoyed the scenery as we rode.
The end.
