March 22, 2014
Dear Johns Butter,
How are you? How are things back home? I finally made it to America, and I am taking up (for now) residency in New York City. Back when we were young, do you remember how we dreamed of coming to America, specifically the Big Apple? Now I am here, and the object of our fantasies was indeed worthy of our youthful thirst. Speaking of thirst, I am drinking many milkshakes. There is a place here called McDonald's, and I go there 5 or 6 times a day to get a milkshake. Oh Johns, they have a special green milkshake right now called a "Shamrock" shake. I inhale these green bastards and often sit in parks moaning in delight. Currently, the State Department has sent agents to speak with me. They are concerned with my milkshake moaning and may deport me. I understand their concern, but I must have my green moans. Therefore, my plan is to travel the country, never staying anywhere for too long, and drinking many Shamrock shakes. These McDonald's exist everywhere in this bountiful land, and if I skip from town-to-town, I'll be gone before my moans become too much of a nuisance. It will be a lonely existence, but all existences are lonely in their own way, and at least mine will contain a thick, green moan. Give me the Shamrock moans.