The following note was found near the apparent writer, who had ended his own life through canned pumpkin and whipped cream asphyxiation.
Dear friends, family, and Food and Pants Readers -
When you know a given day will be your last on Earth, things seem very simple. Your life seems neither big nor small, but rather just so. It seems like something that has lasted for a while and will soon be gone, but you see that Life, with a capital "L," will continue, at least for some time, and I expect, in one way or another, for all eternity. In other words, "you" shall pop out of existence, and you know others will also pop out of existence, and the entire universe will pop out of existence, but other universes will spring forth and so will others, and then pop out, and so on, forever and always.
So, dear reader, at this point you may be wondering why I know today is my last day and why I am having these meditations? Or perhaps the more germane question is why I have decided to make it a day which I know will be my last?
Pumpkin Pie Oh My, the fabled Shake Shack treat, offered during one short period a year in November, in which a slice of pumpkin pie is smashed into Shake Shack's creamy custard, is a treat no self-respecting lover of creams can miss. But miss it I did. And for no other reason than I was lazy and chose not to make myself aware of its presence.
I've always felt to be true to one's self is the only thing that makes life matter, and I violated that sacred principle. I now feel the only way to regain my sacred cream integrity is to sacrifice myself, to make a grand statement which testifies to the importance of creams generally, and Shake Shack Pumpkin Pie Oh My specifically.
I shall now fill myself with canned pumpkin puree and whipped cream, and in so doing will bring balance to the force. I feel no sadness; only peace.