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Wednesday, January 25, 2012


At a certain point in time, or probably not a certain point, but gradually, he felt there was a hole in himself.   When he was young, 8 or so, he started asking people, usually grownups, "do you also have a hole inside yourself?"  The adults would generally give a quizzical smile and say things like "what do you mean, little boy?" or "what kind of hole are you talking about?"

The nature of the hole, the boy couldn't say.  It might have been a physical hole, although not the many natural and anatomical "holes" that arise in the human form or within the organs and orifices.  If it was a physical hole, it perhaps was a hole that opened into a great nothingness.  It might not have been physical, though, but more spiritual.  This spiritual hole also likely opened into a great nothingness.

After a while, the boy realized that people would simply laugh when he asked if they had holes, and he started to keep the feeling to himself.  Indeed, as he grew older, every day he felt more certain of the hole's existence and also felt more and more like he must be the only one with this hole.  An alienating condition, to be sure.

And then, after many years, who knows why, he was one day shopping in Trader Joe's and saw a carton of Dunkers, an elongated cookie perfect for dunking into milk or perhaps even coffee or tea, and he knew - again, who knows why - that he had found the solution to his problem.  He placed the Dunkers in his shopping cart and excitedly went home.

He dimmed the lights in his apartment - he was now in his 20's - lit some candles, and sat in a lotus-like position, the carton of Dunkers placed directly in front of him.  He picked up a Dunker and studied its shape, its long and slightly bent shape, its density and wholesome appearance.  The hole was about to be filled.

He slid the Dunker into his mouth and tried swallowing the entire thing, for chewing on it would break up its form and likely not fill the hole in the right way.  As he swallowed, he began to choke. The choking intensified and he began to turn colors.  He violently began to squirm on the floor, choking, trying to expunge the Dunker.  He started to feel himself losing consciousness, and he attempted pushing his hand in his mouth to force the Dunker out.

But it could not be reached; the hole had been filled; he was dead.