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Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Admissions Fun

Is working in a higher education admissions office fun? No, it's not. One of the things that makes this so is that people feel the need to send updates every few minutes in the hope that some recent absolutely inconsequential turn of events will boost their application.

For instance, here is a string of e-mails we recently received...

1) I wanted to let your office know that I am going to Whole Foods for lunch. My friends were going to McDonald's, which, I must admit, sounded very "fun." However, I wanted healthier options, and Whole Foods uses biodegradable containers. I think this shows my deep commitment to things that are good.

2) I just returned from Whole Foods, and while I was waiting in line someone tried cutting in front of me. I then - very patiently and calmly - explained to this individual what Kant would say about such activities. The person looked at me and said "Shut the F%#* up." Still, I feel this was a valuable experience and it demonstrates my keen interest in moral ethics in theory and practice.

3) Hello, again. I just wanted to reiterate my strong interest in your program.

4) Oh, hello. So I was sitting on my sofa just now and it occurred to me that I won Ms. Johnson's weekly spelling bee in third grade. I failed to mention this in the "Honors & Awards" section of the application and therefore wanted to send this update so that your office may have the most complete information regarding my candidacy.

5) I wanted to provide another update: I have decided if you do not admit me I will have to go to a lower tier school and will therefore quit society and move to Alaska, and we don't want that now, do we?

This person ended up not being admitted and a law suit has been filed by the parents claiming wrongdoing for not admitting the most wonderful, special, talented individual in history.