"The finest food and pants blog on the web."

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

No Milkshakes for Me

I will not be drinking one of these for a while

It happens to be Colorectal Awareness Month. This is actually quite a coincidence because I believe I'm on the verge of being diagnosed with colorectal cancer.

It all started a couple of months ago. I had a stomach ache and there were lots of noises and funny grumbles and also lots of colon spasms and movements. Anyway, two months later the noises and spasms are still taking place. Also, my bowel movement habits have changed quite drastically.

I went to a gastroenterologist a month ago. He performed an examination and said, ah, eat more fiber and call me in a month if it doesn't go way. Well, I saw him again yesterday and he said, ah, stop eating milk. Also, he took blood and I have to have my stool tested. This required me to take home some test tubes. I would love to go into the details but will spare my more sensitive readers (if you want to know more just let me know and I will happily oblige).

Anyway, after all of these results comes back I'm hoping the next step is a colonoscopy. This way we can know for sure if I have colon cancer.

So yeah, I wrote this. I don't know - perhaps I shouldn't joke about this. I mean, something is going on with my stomach but it is probably not colon cancer. I am a bit worried, though. I don't want to make light of what is a very serious situation for some people. I don't know. I'm confused. I don't know what's right anymore. Nothing is right. Then again, perhaps nothing is wrong. I will now quote my favorite Nietzsche parable:

Once upon a time, in some out of the way corner of that universe which is dispersed into numberless twinkling solar systems, there was a star upon which clever beasts invented knowing. That was the most arrogant and mendacious minute of "world history," but nevertheless, it was only a minute. After nature had drawn a few breaths, the star cooled and congealed, and the clever beasts had to die. One might invent such a fable, and yet he still would not have adequately illustrated how miserable, how shadowy and transient, how aimless and arbitrary the human intellect looks within nature. There were eternities during which it did not exist. And when it is all over with the human intellect, nothing will have happened.

Isn't that amazing? "Nothing will have happened." Most people would be like, uh, stuff happens. Yes, in a certain sense stuff happens. But in any signficant way? Not sure about that.

I like milkshakes! Oh, and since the doctor said I can't drink milk for the next couple of weeks, no milkshakes for me. I...do not...drink...your milkshake...I do not drink it up.