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Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Nick Nolte's Rampage (Episode I)

"Hm. Yes, I see. Right. Okay. Right."

Oh. Excuse me -- I didn't see you. Welcome to Nick Nolte's Rampage.

What is Nick Nolte's Rampage? Well, perhaps you've noticed that sometimes Nick Nolte has extremely unruly hair; perhaps you've noticed there seems to be a wellspring of hatred inside him; perhaps you've noticed that life is unfair and the world needs a hero to right all the wrongs. Well, these are the conditions which have brought forth Nick Nolte's Rampage.

Each episode will feature Nick Nolte assassinating someone who deserves an untimely death. I could think of no better person to start with than George Lucas.

As a side note, this was the most grueling shoot of my career. There were so many problems and many, many re-shoots were necessary. Also had difficulty in post-production. Anyway, I just needed to vent.

And now...Nick Nolte's Rampage...


Skywalker Ranch...

Ok, so in the third act, Howard the Duck AND Willow are going to rescue Jar Jar, and the three of them are going to go on a journey to the Jedi Temple.

Once at the Jedi Temple, they are going to rendezvous with Mutt, and then the four of them will recruit an army of gophers and launch a rebellion against the Empire.

Fantastic!

I think the Empire will have an army of droids that constantly say "Roger Roger" and they will also use sarcasm when appropriate...

Love it. Fantastic.

I like Big Macs.

Fantastic!

You're an idiot.

Fantastic!

I just said you're an idiot.

Fan... - What? You did? Ha! Fantastic!

Oh my god. Please leave.

Sure thing, Mr. Lucas. Good work today. Brilliant ideas.

God, what an idiot. All I want to do is make fun adventure movies and the public hates me for it. The only people who like my ideas are mindless robots like McCallum.

....

I don't even think Spielberg likes my stuff, anymore. Well, I'll show him. I'll show everyone. I'm going to start taxing inter-galactic trade routes as a means for taking control of this so-called republic.

(click)

Ah. Is it you?

Yes.

I knew this day would come, Nolte. When I left you I was but a learner, now I am the master.

Only a master of evil.

From my point of view, you're evil. May I remind you of the Prince of Tides?

....

Oh no, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought that up. I'm sorry...

And now, George Lucas, you will die...

(bang!)

Ahhhhh!

....

Digitally erase Jar Jar from the prequels and I will spare your life.

No, you failed. I am a Jedi, like my...I am a Jedi.

So be it...Jedi.

(bang bang bang!)

All too easy.

Later that day...

Mr. Lucas, there is a problem: Warwick Davis is holding out for more money, he says that...

....

Oh, I see. Well, um...fantastic!

The End