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Thursday, June 12, 2008

Secret Dispatch from Pittsburgh

Hello. I may not have mentioned this before, but I am a top-secret spy. I am currently on a mission in Pittsburgh. Anyway, I needed to write a dispatch of my activities for review by headquarters. I'm sure they won't mind me publishing the dispatch here...


To: Headquarters. From: Food&Pantsman, ID # 4 8 15 16 23 42. Time: 11 hundred hours.

Hello. Boarded the plane and took my seat, which was an aisle seat. Then a man stops in front of me and simply points to the window seat WITHOUT saying "excuse me," or "pardon me, that's my seat." Who does he think he is? He just points to his seat!? He then proceeds to spill his coffee all over my seat. He does NOT apologize but does clean it up. Later, I browse through my New York magazine, which has an article on hypochondria.

Later, I go to the bathroom. When the plane is making its descent I gather my things and realize my New York magazine is missing. I know I didn't throw it away, and I doubt a flight attendant threw it away while I was in the bathroom. So what happened? Clearly the guy who pointed to his seat and spilled his coffee took the magazine. Also, I should mention he was wearing shorts and these really horrible sandal things.

Please be advised, I am abandoning the original mission and hunting down this man who stole my magazine.

Please see exhibits A and B

This is the man who stole my magazine, and I will have my revenge, in this life or the next

Note that he is not wearing pants and IS wearing ridiculous sandal things


Anyway, that's the dispatch I sent to headquarters. I have to go now -- I think someone's coming...